I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I understand Curling. That high.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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