If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
