Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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