Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
