She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
