im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize