Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
