dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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