at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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