I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
ttyl tear gas
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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