yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
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We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
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Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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