I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
