just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
