And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
