His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
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I feel a five day drunk coming on.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems