He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.