I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.