at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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