life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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