just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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