Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
