I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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