wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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