Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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