sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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