I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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