I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
