I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
4 words: hood of his car
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
