She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
