Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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