What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
