Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I AM VODKA MAN
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
