My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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