i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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