Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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