Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
