She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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