My friends, they love my intelligence
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Everyone says I win the strip club
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
