Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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