Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
