Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(305): View more from Florida

Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.

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(530): View more from California

I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"

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(714): View more from California

I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA

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(518): View more from New York

We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished

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