I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
