Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
