In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
