STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
