I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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