I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
