update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
