Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
