And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
