There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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