people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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