Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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