dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
